A Good Cafe

A Good Cafe

The old man sat at the edge of the square with a cold bottle of Presidente and a frosted glass.  

The faded ball cap that protected his bald head lay on the table next to his drink, damp with sweat.  Blue eyes stared out at cobblestones baking in the heat.  He had chosen a cafe that poured out from the western arcade into the plaza, which protected the patrons from the afternoon Sun.  There were other cafes in the plaza and some of those were also in the shade and had more comfortable chairs, but he preferred this cafe.  It always had an afternoon crowd.

“Do you think J.B. hung around here?”

“This place exactly?” said the older son.

“Well, not this place exactly.  Do you think he walked through this plaza?  I think he might have.”

“Could be.  What do you think?  He’d find a good bar and stay there all day?”

“My father?  He couldn’t sit still for an hour.  No...he probably walked around, chewing on his cigar, eyeing the pretty girls as they walked by.  Exchanging one liners with Delt.  I just wonder if he walked by here.”  The old man loved this place: the old buildings, the fountain, the children playing tag, the cafes.  It was big enough space that it was able to catch a little breeze, unlike like those old congested streets, and he was sure his father liked it too.  It was a good place to watch the world.  

“Of course he did,” said the younger son, who had been quietly smoking his cigar.  “It’s the Plaza Vieja.  Everyone who comes here sees this place.”

“I think he did, too.”  The old man looked out into the square, imagining the scene sixty years ago, wondering if it had changed.  This place was stuck in the past, and that made imagining the past easier.

The old man was too young to know exactly where his father’s exploits took him, but this was the only place he vacationed, so he must have liked it.  He even went so far as to buy goods in bulk in Havana, then drive out to towns in the countryside, turning enough profit to let him stay a little longer.

There was memory here.  There were the ones of his father, and he liked to wonder about those the way every boy wonders about his father’s myth, but there were also memories for him.  He saw the Pontiac he learned to drive on, and his first car, a ‘53 Ford, would drive by every so often past the dilapidated buildings with their faded colors.

“Did you know Grandpa well?” asked the older son.

“Not really.  I just remember him in the nursing home.”

“By the time you’d have had any memory of him, he was well into dementia,” said the old man, his reverie broken.

“What was he like?  I know the stories about his horrendous fix-jobs.  Duck tape, oil, and a hammer was it?  His tool box?”

“The day he realized he could use a paint roller to paint a car was beginning of the end.  That garage was never the same again!”

The old man laughed.  “One time I bought him a car, and he rolled the damn thing.   I never gave him another one!”  The old man convlused in something that was half laughter and half wheezing.  “You could see the line marks on it.  Oh, it was awful.  There was a time I was thinking about giving him this Mercedes, but I never went through with it because I was certain the Germans on our street would come after him when they saw what he’d done to the pride of their country!”

“Nah.  JB could have held his own.  He might have taken a licking, if there was enough of ‘em.  But sure as shit, within a day, he would have shown up at their houses ready for round two,” laughed the older son.  “He was a nasty old man when provoked.”  

“Yep, he was the family protector.  You know that story about that fight he got in when he was young?  The one that got him that reputation?” the old man looked at his younger son.

“I know that story.  He got his ass kicked by an older kid who was picking on his sister.  So the next day he waits for the that same kid after school and beats the crap out of him with a baseball bat.”

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“Nasty ol’man, he was.  I forget that there’s such a difference in our ages.  So you really never knew him or Grandma, huh?”

“Not really.  You got to remember, you had a twenty-year head start on me.  By the time I showed up and could remember anything, the family wasn't really the same.  Everyone had died, or was getting on in years.  I have some memories about big Christmas parties at our house with a lot of white hair and faces I can’t remember, but that’s it.  I was never around for Grandma’s basement either.”

“Wow!  You never went to Grandma’s basement?  Hell, every Sunday we’d go over for sauce.  Never went to church, but we always to went Grandma’s.”

“Hey Dad, I knew JB was a simple guy, give him a little job and he was happy being busy, but what did he like to do for fun?”

“My father?  I don’t know, actually.”  The old man paused and thought to himself for a few moments.  “He was a very simple guy.  He’d left school before twelve and just worked his whole life.  Never had a trade, but always worked.”  the old man laughed to himself, and then turned back to the group.  “When I owned the tire stores I used to have him move boxes from one store to other.”

“What was in the boxes?”

“Nothing!”  The old man broke into a fit of wheezy laughter.  “I just wanted to keep him busy, else he’d waddle around like Popeye, and try to catch people stealing whether there was evidence or not.  He’d say ‘I don’t like so and so, they’re up to no good’.  So when you ask, what did he like to do for fun, this is the type of guy we’re dealing with.  He never really had vices, except his cigars and I never saw him drunk, but once.  The family was visiting from Belgium, he had been having wine all night, I remember him out there with everyone, dancing under the street light.  Other than that I never saw him drunk.  He stopped smoking cigars, too.”

“I remember that.  He stopped smoking them started chewing them instead.”

The younger son coughed with laughter as he desperately tried to manage the exhale from his own cigar.  “You’re kidding me!  He’d just chomp on a cigar?  There must have been pieces of tobacco all in his mouth.”

“Oh yeah, all up in his teeth.  He used to spit out bits constantly.  You’re gonna love this.  So we used to fight about everything as kids and this one time Maura and I were getting a ride from Grandpa, and I was like ‘Maura go ahead, why don’t you take the front seat.’  Well, she couldn’t believe it.  She was so happy until Grandpa got in and started spitting tobacco all over the windshield.  The guy was a machine gun. Spit. Spit. Spit.  Everything was covered, the windshield, the dashboard, the radio.  Within twenty minutes, she never wanted the front seat next to Grandpa ever again!”

The younger son roared in amusement.  “He reached all the way to the passenger side?”

“Hell yeah.  It was everywhere!  When you ride with Grandpa, you kept your hands close and you did not touch anything.  Oh, it was disgusting.”

“Hard to understand why you gained a reputation for being a little jerk.  You really tormented our poor Maura, didn’t you?”

“No...no, I wasn’t so bad.  But for some reason everyone blamed me—”

“Oh I beg to differ. How about that time in Naples?” the old man interrupted.

“Oh yeah...that too.  Bet you can’t find another example,” laughed the older son, his face red with sunburn and the devilish smile that had defined his youth.  

“How much time you got?  Because we could sit here all day with stories I got about you growing up.”

“Why did you run away to Atlanta?  I don’t know if I ever asked you about that.”

“Well, at the time I was selling insurance in Boston.”

You were selling insurance?”

“I was taking a class.  So Dad gave me some money for clothes, you know, sport coats and pants.”

“I can’t picture you as an insurance salesman.”

“You don’t have to, because I never made it.  I bought some clothes and was then gonna use the rest for tuition, but , I went and bought a motorcycle instead.  I hated the winter and I had a buddy from high school whose family had moved to Atlanta, and he was telling me all about the weather, the girls, and all he had to say was ‘girls’ and I was in.  So I left.”

“And here I am, I get a call two weeks later, asking about Chad in Atlanta.  I was like, what are you talking about?  He’s in Boston!”

“Now Pap, I did use some of that money to buy clothes...I just also bought a motorcycle.”

“But then you didn’t need the clothes!”

“Well yeah...that’s true.  Pretty unlike me, seeing as I was always the responsible one in the family.”  He turned towards the younger son, eyebrows raised,  “I just wanted to make sure to make you look good.  So you’re welcome!  I set the bar nice and low, so all’s you needed was to step right over that sucker.”

They laughed.  It was true, his middle child was the troublemaker.  Growing up, he’d stolen condoms from the pharmacy and cigarettes from his Grandma.  There was no shortage of amusing stories.  But he turned out alright.  He was everything a man could hope for in a son.  He had a good sense of humor; he was good to be around; and he was sharp, although he never cared enough to apply those smarts to his schooling.  Although separated by twenty years, and very different upbringings, his two boys got on very well.  They were always smiling and laughing at the other’s jokes and the old man liked that very much.  

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“57.  52.”  The old man pointed at the taxis sitting at the edge of the square.

“53,” chided the younger son.  

“58…well maybe it’s a 59.”  The older son teased his father.  “Pap, you must have called out the years on at least a hundred cars.”

The old man didn’t notice the jab.  “What are you looking at now,” he said peering over at his youngest.

“Places for dinner.”

“Oh boy,” he rolled his eyes.  “Will I be able to eat tonight?”

“Alright, alright, calm down.  You guys come to Cuba and all you want to eat is pizza and spaghetti.  I’m surrounded by morons.”  

“Hey, why can’t we have pizza for dinner?” The older son sat looking at his brother with a wide smile across his face.  

“I’m done with you both!  Really, how many days are left?  Too many!”

“Funny, we were thinking the same thing,” japed the old man.

“You realize, without me, you two schmucks would have zero idea where to eat, what to see, or where to drink?  I got this.”

“Hey, can we have pizza tonight?”

“Dad, I still have no idea how at seventy-five, and with your diet, you’re so spry.”  The younger son turned to his brother.   “You look at Dad’s food pyramid, it's big rectangle of ice cream and Italian food and coffee.  The diet of an olympian!”

“You and your Mom have been giving me crap for years, I got news for you, I’m not gonna change!” a response that amused him.  

“They need to study you, that’s for sure.”

“So if Dad is still alive, that means we can get pizza tonight?  Right?”

“You know what?  I’m going back to writing.  To hell with you both!”  That response gave the man and the older son quite a kick.  The younger son had given up, and they had finally received the satisfaction they were waiting for.

The old man’s youngest lived in New York, and before that, Washington DC.  He even spent five months studying in Rome, which in practice was less studying and more eating and drinking his way to becoming a proficient Italian speaker.  Out of college he had worked as a trader, and it was grueling.  The old man liked drinking and socializing and always had worried his younger son work too hard.  He didn’t want him to miss life so he was happy when he quit his job after years of being unhappy, and with that change, found a new sense of adventure.  He’d climbed Kilimanjaro and went trekking in the Arctic wilderness.  It wasn’t what he had in mind when he gave his son advice about living, but he couldn’t argue that he wasn’t.  His next adventure would be rock climbing in Wyoming, and the old man made it clear that he didn’t want to know anything about it until his youngest was back safe in New York.   

“You got that sense of adventure from your mother’s side.  My family has no adventurers or intellectuals.  We’re simple folk who like simple things.”

“Let me show you what dad wrote down in my notepad on the flight over.  He grabs my pen, and right next to addresses of our house and some places I found to eat, he writes this list.”

Day 1:
     Cerveso
     Mojito
     Cuba Libre
     Some people + buildings, Too!!
 

“See, a simple list.  I have simple needs.”  

“Ha!  The younger son grabbed his pen and started scribbling something in his notebook.  Then he turned to the older son.  “Dad loves to complain.  That’s his new thing.  He doesn’t mean it, though, it just keeps things interesting.  Doesn’t it Dad?”

“Is that what you’re writing down in your little book of yours?  Lies about me!  I’m just sitting here enjoying my drink—”

“And giving me shit whenever you can!” shouted the younger son, half kidding.

Complaining had become a sport to him.  And his son was right.  He didn’t mean it, but it was an easy form of amusement.  His friends enjoyed the sport as well.  They were talkers not philosophers, so when they sat around pushing tables together at the cafe where they got their morning coffees, the content was banter.  A little business, a little politics, a little about family, but always banter.  The solutions they formulated to solve the world’s problems were simple, and they could never understand why everyone else had to make things so damn complicated.

“So what do you think, we’ll give the old man the other key, and he can find his way back when he wants?”  said the older son.

“Works for me,” said the old man.

“Where will you go, Dad?”

“I don’t know.  What does it matter?  I’ll be here, I’ll be there.  Music.  A couple of cuba libres.  I’ll make some friends, get a conversation going.  I do like the Plaza Vieja.”

“He’s drinking us under the table.”  The younger son took a deep pull from his cigar, and after the plume of smoke had drifted into the air, a shallow sip of rum.  

The old man looked around the cafe.  He took note which patrons were enjoying themselves, and which ones were too serious, and it was clear the younger tables carried a more somber mood.  He wondered what it would be like to be young again and how much fun that would be and how it was strange to see all those beautiful women so stoic and the young men always looking ready for a fight.  They were always looking at their phones and not each other and that seemed silly since the young women were pleasing to look—  

“Another?” asked the waiter who had snuck up behind them.  

Cuba libre

Mojito.  Con miel, sin azucar.  Gracias”

“Diet coke, thank you.”

Making a mental note of the orders, the waiter nodded and slipped back into the cafe.  

“How long has it been since you stopped drinking?  Apart from yesterday with me?”  asked the younger son.

“Since I had a drink?  Three years.”

“Damn.  I’d really hate to be the reason you broke that streak.  I wish I asked sooner”

“No, I’ll be fine.  It was good sharing one yesterday.  I’m fine with a cigarette, now”

“It's funny, you smoke half a pack a day, yet you can’t smoke a cigar.”

“I turned green last night, didn’t I?”

“I thought you were gonna cough up a lung.”

“Who would have thought this guy would have been the one puffing on cigars, drinking straight rum, reading and what not,” he said turning to his father.

“College boy.  You really should have been a professor,”  said the old man.  “That’s your mother's side of the family.”  His youngest wore a dark beard and was the only member of the table to have a good swath of hair still on his head.  With his dark aviators, cigar, and fatigue shirt he looked the part.  Some kind of young intellectual always on the edge of some kind of thought.

“The younger son exhaled smoke and looked out past his father to where the tight streets met the plaza, “I suppose I’m still too busy chasing the bright lights of Manhattan.  You might not be wrong, Dad.”

“I just won’t see it for myself,”  the old man smirked.

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By the time the drinks arrived the entire square had fallen into shadow.  The younger son took the last pull on his cigar, exhaled, and smothered its burning end in the ashtray.  With the cigar out of his way, he could continue jotting down some thought that appeared in desperate need to come out of his head.  The older son sat with squinted eyes flipping through pictures on his camera.  The old man had no such distractions at the table, only the people around him and the plaza.  That was more than enough to keep him entertained.

The old man looked at his son who was squinting to see the screen on his large camera.  “Get some good one’s?”

“Yeah, a few.  I’m gonna get up early tomorrow.  The light is best at dawn and dusk, when the Sun is low.  In the height of the day you have shadow and sunlight and it’s all too much for the camera.  There’s too much going on.  Sunrise and sunset.  That’s when you can see the world for what it really is.”

“I’d like to see Havana at dawn.  Maybe I’ll join you,” said the younger son.

Over the next half an hour they finished their drinks.  There was some chatting and some silence.  While his sons kept busy, the old man watched the the world unfold around him.  After a while, the oldest son finished with his camera, and he joined his father looking out at the Plaza.  But he was restless from the sitting, and with nothing to occupy his mind, he could not help himself from shifting about in his chair.

“Alright, I’m heading back to the room.”

“I’ll go with you, I need to get out of this heat,” said the younger son.

“What do you guys mean?  The Sun’s down.”

“I want to go back and take a shower.  Probably lay down a bit in the A/C, too” said the older son.  The old man shook his head in disbelief.

“See what I’d tell you, Dad is drinking us under the table!”

The old man waved over the waiter.  “Cuba libre, thank you.”

“You know how to get back?”

“I walk down that street.  But don’t count on me turning up at the room, just meet me back here.  If I’m not here I’ll be in a bar somewhere on our street, between here and the casa.  I’ll call out to you as you walk by.  Don’t pull that shit you guys did yesterday.  I was drinking for two hours wondering where the hell you were, then I come back and see you two smoking cigars and drinking beer on the balcony!”

The younger son laughed in an ashamed sort of way.  “We were just taking it easy.  Every next word out of your mouth is ‘relax’.  That’s what we were doing!”

“You two are a couple of beauties. You know that?” he said with a smile.  “Always going somewhere or doing something.  Not me.  Give me Cuba libre and a nice view, that's all.”

“Pap, how do you think I stay beautiful?  Taking naps!”  

“Get out of here!  Both of you!  I’m going to make some new friends.”  

They walked away and the old man sat smiling.  The waiter brought over his drink.  The glass was beaded with moisture and it felt good in his hand.  The Sun had retreated behind the tops of Havana’s crumbling buildings, and the streets draped in shade had begun to fill with people.  Music from nearby bars floated through the stagnant air, seeping into the plaza.  Cuban music had a good rhythm and could make any man feel alive.  A young Cuban in a fedora and worn vest entertained one of the nearby tables with magic tricks.  The old man sat chuckling to himself, watching the movement of hands, the cards, and a red foam ball shifting from one finger to another.

When the magician had finished his act, the old man called him over.  He had a sharp mind and he liked to use it, so he paid close attention to each trick and when it was over he would try to tell the magician how he had pulled it off.  After fifteen minutes the routine was over.  He tipped the young man well, patted him on the back, and ordered another cuba libre.  

His head was swimming from the rum and he couldn't help from smiling as he looked around cafe, blue eyes dancing.  Everyone he had ever met remembered those eyes, and they had always gotten him in trouble with wrong sort of women.  Pretty girls sipped their cocktails and young men drank their beers.  Men with bald spots sat talking to middle-aged women in flowing linens.  Guidebooks and cameras and cellphones were littered across clean white-tiled tables.  Young couples looked unsure how to sit in silence, while older ones showed no concern over the lack of conversation.  Behind him on the porch, the band unpacked their instruments.  All the tables were taken.  All tourists.  That’s good, he thought, tourists were fun and they spoke his language.  All you need is a cafe, and just enough people to fill it.    

At the table next to him, two gentlemen chatted while their eyes pointed out at the square.  One had golden brown skin, a shade only given after many decades in the sun, that struck a sharp contrast with his white beard.  The other man was tall and slim and had a full head of grey hair, and he reminded the old man of the Europeans he had seen passing through that plaza in Brussels, and his father sitting next to him on the bench smoking a cigar.  Remembering that scene so many years ago, he felt J.B. next to him, sitting at the cafe with his coke-bottle glasses, a cigar hanging from his mouth looking out at the Plaza Vieja.  And for every inch the Sun fell in the sky, the old man's blue eyes glowed brighter and brighter.

Pivoting in his chair, he turned to get a better look at the two gentlemen.  Two beer glasses, sweating profusely, lingered on an otherwise bare table.  Leaving his father to his cigar and to watch the young women in sundresses walk across the square, the old man leaned over in their direction, and with a deliberate nod, motioned towards the Plaza Vieja.

“Fine view, isn’t it?”

 
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The Photos

 
 

The House of God

The House of God

Kilimanjaro is a snow-covered mountain 19,710 feet high, and is said to be the highest mountain in Africa. Its western summit is called the Masai ‘Ngáje Ngái,’ the House of God.
— Ernest Hemingway

We would begin on the Lemosho Route, but that was all I knew about our expedition.  The first time I’d heard anything of the Western Breach, I was looking up at it.  At its base, there’s a sign wooden sign with gold painted letters: “Warning: climbers must begin ascent before 5:30 AM”.  That’s when I started asking questions.  

I turned to our guide.  His name was Samia but the porters called him Simba—“lion” in Swahili—a nickname he’d earned after winning a 1999 race up the mountian.  He’d climbed with the legendary Scott Fischer and had summited Kilimanjaro more than three hundred times.  

“I put it up myself.  They asked me to, you know.  The national park.”

“Why?” I asked. 

Samia gave a sigh.  “There was this group climbing the mountain, four years ago.  They started climbing, 7:30 in the morning.  But that time is no good.  Soon, the Sun came over the mountain and the ice started melting.  The rocks began to come loose, you know, then some people higher up set off a rock fall, and a woman was hit in the head.  She died.”  

From Arrow Glacier Camp, the Breach didn’t look so steep, or dangerous.  The afternoon Sun lathered its snows and stones with a golden sheen that masked any trace of cruelty.  A fiery staircase to the heavens.

Earlier that day, when we first arrived, the campsite had looked much different.  One of its two outhouses had been shattered by high winds and its remains were strewn all across the ground we could see.  16,000 feet was too high for a maintenance crew, so wreckage was never repaired. Consumed by cloud, sprinkled with snow and splintered wood, the scene was ominous.  But later that afternoon the weather had changed, as so often was the case on Kilimanjaro, and the mid-day clouds had slid down off the mountain leaving just enough space to see the African continent unfurling out to the West, but not enough to see the horizon.  And in front of me, the Breach pushed up into the air.

I finished chatting with Samia and went on a walk.  As the Sun raced off the edge of the sky, I mounted one of the ridges that sandwiched our camp, where the porters had perched themselves trying to find cell phone service.  I went for the view.  Huge puffs of rolling white surrounded the little plateau, and beyond them, storm clouds swirled.  Thunder rolled in the distance, but instead of high above my head, it came from below.  It was a short walk, not more than a hundred meters, but I was panting when I reached the top.  At this elevation, even a few steps uphill can knock the wind clean out of you.  That’s when another boom echoed off the mountain.  The chatting porters turned quiet and looked up at the Breach.  Avalanche.  We sat in silence...watching.  Our route was still, but make no mistake, that sound was close.  Just over the ridge at the southern edge of camp, I figured.  The mountain had given its warning.

At dinner Samia made it clear, once we began hiking tomorrow there would be no stopping until we were out of the "kill zone,” and there would be no turning back.  He used a more diplomatic term, but that’s what it was, a kill zone.  His voice was gentle, but I could sense he was concerned.  Others had died on this route, not just the woman Samia mentioned.  I found out later that a porter recently lost his leg, and in 2006 the park closed the ascent after a group of climbers died.  Above where we ate, clinging to the slope of the Breach was the Arrow Glacier.  The snows of Kilimanjaro are melting, and like an aging man who realizes he can’t do the things he used to, the shrinking glacier could no longer hold back the rocks it once did.  Tired and sweating under the Sun, it slowly relaxed its grip, and in 2006, it released an avalanche of stone.  

Samia split us seven climbers into two groups: I was part of the first, along with two honeymooners, Clay and Diane, 30 and 29, and my mother, 57.  We were divided by fitness.  This way, we could move at a faster pace, and make our tenure in the kill zone as brief as possible.  Our four would start first. 

I came to Kilimanjaro with my mother.  Climbing the mountain was on my bucket list before I knew there was such thing as a bucket list.  I’m not sure how the romantic thought of the mountain became stuck in my head, but it was lodged in there tight.  There are many things I want to do in life, but that doesn’t mean they made the list.  Kilimanjaro was the first of four.  That said, I didn’t expect to cross it off so soon.  My mother had pushed for this trip.  Although she had been instigator-in-chief, between the two of us, I had the most qualified opinion.  My mother hadn’t been camping since college, and at one point she asked me if it was worth sleeping in a tent out in the backyard, in the winter, to prepare for the cold.  I gave her a curt response, “there is no preparing for that; it just sucks, and you get through it”.  The night at Arrow Glacier Camp would mark our sixth night on the mountain, each one colder than the last.  To pass the time, I would count how many were left until it got warmer.  But as the number grew smaller, the nights grew colder.  

Her conviction surprised me.  She is a woman of conviction, that is undeniable, but she’d never done anything like this before.  Her eagerness was partly driven by a bad knee, and she wanted to make the attempt before she no longer could.  But why Kilimanjaro?  To be honest, I don’t think she even understood why.   Maybe it was the same thing that called to me: an infatuation with tallest peak on the “dark continent,” the name given by the early explorers trying to chart its unknown interior.  With its lions and jungles and huge beasts with white tusks that trumpet across the plains, Africa seemed a proper place for an adventure.  And Kilimanjaro itself, while not the highest, it is unique, and the tallest freestanding mountain in the world.  It sprouts from the ground, unconnected to a chain of similar relatives.  Its square top and gradual slopes look less like a mountain and more like God reached out his hand, grabbed on to the earth itself, and gave it a long pull upwards.  The horizon disappeared, and once where there was sky, the ground itself pushed past the clouds, and into the heavens.  Against the African plains it stands alone. 

But during the climb, I had mixed feelings about Kilimanjaro.  I had been on several expeditions in the last year and discovered getting off the beaten path and taking the hard road was where adventure lived.  In July, I’d been dropped off on a beach just outside the Arctic circle.  My buddy and I trekked, four days in the wilderness, to get to sea cliffs that marked the edge of the world, and then to meet another boat that would bring us back to a small town, far from civilization.  We had been lost in the fog, tried following a trail that disappeared every few minutes, climbed snow caps and fjords, some days never seeing another soul.  And the whole time we were alone with only our wits and a map and a compass to guide us.  It was a proper adventure.  A few months later, I went out into the desert.  I went with another friend, and we left the trails behind, going deep into the backcountry.  Once again, we were the guides.  In both instances, we went into the unknown and we took the path less traveled.  

Kilimanjaro felt different.  Before I left for Africa, I started to hear about other people that had already made the ascent.  They weren’t what I considered serial adventurers, and that took away from the mystic that I had built around this mountain.  The idea of porters slinging our supplies over their backs, didn’t sit well either.  Adventures are about proving something to yourself, and how much could I prove with an army of helping hands?  Six days in, the climb was proving less rigorous than hoped.  We’d been eating off plates; someone was cooking our meals, collapsing our tents, and building them up again each night.  The elevation was challenge.  Somewhere around 15,000 feet it had run away with my appetite and left behind a series of crushing headaches.  And the cold . . . but that was the extent of the challenge.  Each day I watched our porters doing all the work; they would break down camp after we left, then pass us on the trail, each one bending under the weight of their haul, only to have everything set up again before we made it to the next sleeping site.  The trail had been gradual, and there was that lingering thought about all the other people I’d heard of who had climbed the mountain.  After all my years of anticipation of this moment, I was souring on it.  I needed a proper challenge, and a road less traveled. 

After Samia’s briefing we left the dining tent.  When the Sun went down, I pulled out all the stops and layered into my warmest gear.  The cold at tomorrow night’s camp promised to put all the others to shame, but I had no more armor left to add.

In the shadow of the Breach I slept poorly.  When I stumbled out for each of my nightly bathroom breaks, I could see the lights of Moshi and Arusha glittering far below.  I was awake and packing before the morning call ever went out.  Our climb began at 5AM.  In the dark, we shuffled slowly uphill, zigging and zagging, our headlamps providing the only light and only in small patches, just enough to see where our feet landed.  We needed to be out of the Kill Zone by 8:30 AM, the point at which the Sun would poke up over the summit, and creep up the Western Breach.  The same reason I couldn’t wait for the Sun on most days, was the very reason we were rushing up the trail: its warmth.  It only takes one loose rock to start an avalanche and even with the ice, the stones wiggled beneath our steps.  Our party of six was the front line: four climbers, Samia, and Alysse, who carried a small tank of oxygen.  It was less of a path, and more of where Samia decided we should tread.  At first he seemed to be following some invisible trail, we’d be moving back and forth in a predictable patterned, then he’d mumble to himself and make a sharp turn in the opposite direction.  And when a larger stone would dislodge from underneath our feet, Samia would hold his breath, as if the extra force of his exhale might be the final straw to set off a chain reaction that would end up consuming everyone below.  We took no breaks, and once an hour in, there was no turning back.  The only way off the mountain was up.  Each step was slow and measured.  “Rest steps”: one foot in front of the other, pausing in-between, all the weight positioned over one foot, flowing like an electrical current down a straight and locked leg into the ground.  The most efficient way to climb.  In the dark, rocks and ice crunched underfoot.

My toes went numb first, and not long after, so did my hands.  After thirty minutes, I discarded my trekking poles, strapping them to my pack.  My hands were frozen solid, and thick ski gloves were unable to meet the challenge.  My only hope was to shove them into the front pockets of my Gore-Tex shell.  Soon, feeling returned, but my toes remained numb.  I wiggled them vigorously between steps, but my effort did little other than tire the muscles in my feet.  It went on like this for hours.  Eventually my toes were so numb, I couldn’t tell them from my boots

By the time we reached the end of the Kill Zone, dawn had broken, and almost three hours in, we returned to solid rock.  Samia yelled out in joy.  He started singing in Swahili, or perhaps his native Chagga, but whichever it was Alysse soon joined him.  To their chanting I put away my headlamp and took out my camera to capture the day’s first light.  We had made it past the most dangerous part, but that was only the beginning, and now there was no turning back.

Although protected from rock fall, the climb we had left behind was easy compared to the climb that lay ahead.  We weren’t even halfway done, and to finish we’d have to push twice as hard.  Hand over hand, we clung to the slope as it shot into the air.  Our hike turned into a scramble, and my weekends spent rock climbing instead of conditioning proved useful. Searching for handholds and footholds, on half the oxygen I’m used to, I climbed.  Walking that ridge the evening before no longer seemed such a chore, and whenever Samia turned to address the group, his words were lost in a fit of panting.  But while we were celebrating and moving forward, the second group was stuck.

I didn’t know exactly what was said in each frantic radio call to Mhenia, but I understood.   Mhenia was trying to drive his exhausted party out of danger.  It was past 9 AM, and the Breach was bathing in sunlight.  “They take 10 steps and stop,” Samia told me as he arranged a rescue party, a team of porters that would go down and literally push them up the mountain.  Scrambling up jagged stone, I was worried for them, but it wasn’t the Kill Zone that bothered me, it was the other side.  If they were struggling there, no way could they make it up here.  The air was thin and the climb was hard.  Even if they could make it to Crater Camp would they have the strength to survive the night?  Later that evening, when they stumbled into camp, one of the climbers told me he had asked to go back.  The problem is, there’s no turning back on the Western Breach.  Only forward. 

Most never take this route.  They leave from the crowded Barafu Camp at midnight.  In the dark, they ascend from 15,200 feet to 19,340, see the sunrise at Uhuru peak, touch the sign, take a picture, and within twenty minutes are scurrying back down the same way they came.  Not used to the altitude, their bodies can only spend a few minutes at Africa’s highest point.  Trail itself is a slow uphill slant, made in its worst parts with some loose dirt and pebbles.  But the Breach is forged of stone and ice.

Carved into the mountain, we followed its steps higher, a staircase built with no regard for men.

Heaving ourselves up the jagged rock, the group struggled to keep an unbroken pace.  My mother, the oldest in our group, was the least willing to stop.  On one of our breaks I asked her what she thought of the route. 

“It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” she said.  

“Harder than childbirth?” 

She laughed, “Oh yeah!  Well, mine was pretty easy, but yes.”  She is no stranger to struggle, easily one of the most tenacious people I know.  She’d even been known to call me a wimp, like that time I got suckered into running the Turkey Trot.  But here on the Western Breach, she’d met her match.

The tan wall of jagged rock, got smaller and smaller, and the sky became darker and darker, until our climb became a hike, and so much light had been filtered out in the heart of the cloud, we were left walking in what seemed like the edge of night.  Snowflakes fluttered down into the grey.   As far as we knew, the world ended a hundred feet in front of us, and if the ground had not leveled out, there would have been no way to know where we were.  Then, as we passed through the tepees made from dust colored canvas, where the porters slept, and approached our own bright orange tents, the sky pulled back her shroud and we found ourselves on top off the world.  We had arrived.  At 18,800 feet, Crater Camp was stunning, and desolate.  A wasteland of ash and volcanic rock.  Thanks to our early morning start, we strolled into camp around high noon.  Over the last six days, the weather on the mountain had been anything but static, but up here, it flowed as easily as waves on the open ocean.  With so little atmosphere to trap in the heat or protect from the Sun’s fire, temperatures swung violently.  When the Sun was out it burned exposed skin, and turned my face flush, but every time a passing cloud sailed over the mountain, the temperature would plummet and I’d start to shiver.  

 

Once at camp, while the other climbers went to lay down in the comfort of their tents, I pulled up the first chair I could find.  My skin was roasting from the equatorial Sun, but the discomfort it brought was an easily forgotten.  It felt good to be warm.  I sat staring at the ash and ice with a faint smile edged across my face, the look of satisfaction.  My doubts about this place and what it would mean to me were gone.  After the day’s struggle and the world that surrounded me, Kilimanjaro had lived up to that spectacular story I told myself all those years before.  

Crater Camp lies five hundred feet below the summit, and after marching up the Breach, that’s where you pitch your tent.  But camping is dangerous, even going to the bathroom can kill you.  After a day’s climb, when the others retreated to their tents, I’d often seek out Samia.  I liked speaking to him alone, asking about his life, hearing his stories.  Especially the ones he prefer not to share with the group.  Up at Crater Camp was no different.   

“Samia,” I said.  “Tell me about this camp.  How does the altitude effect people?  What’s the worst you’ve seen?”  My curiosity was one part academic, and one part self interest.

“It’s hard, you know,” he said in his soft voice.  “Everybody different.” 

“Do people die up here?”

“Yes.  Yes, it happens.  I had someone die a few years ago.  It was very sad.  I liked him a lot, a very nice man.” 

“How did it happen?”

“He left his tent in the night, but there’s no oxygen up here, you know.  He opened his eyes, got up and left the tent and then he collapsed right outside .  You see, you got to breathe a little, get the oxygen in you, and then you start to move.  He collapsed and we found him in the morning.  It was a so sad, he was such a nice man...yes, it was a very sad thing.”  After that it was clear to me: man was not meant to be here.

I took note of this piece of important information, and let him go rest a little and avoid my prying questions.  While everyone was hidden in away their tents, I skipped around the campsite trying to find good patches of sun and boulders I could climb.  

For lunch we had my favorite meal in the rotation: grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches, and a watery soup that served as the perfect side-kick.  There were mangos and sweets spread out across the table, but the usual tray of meat was intentionally absent.  At this elevation, meat was too hard to digest.  I was more than happy with just grilled cheese.  Tearing off bits of sandwich and submerging piece into the broth, I asked Samia to take me on a hike, and tried to drum up additional interest among my companions.  I had my heart set on seeing the Ash Pit, and no one was going to tell me otherwise.  

For thousands of years, lava flowing up from the center of the earth spilled out onto the land, over and over again, and as it did, Kilimanjaro stretched into the sky.  The Western Breach gets its very name from the hole it makes in the crater's western wall.  And although presently sleeping, the mountain still had a beating heart.

We left for Ash Pit promptly after lunch as I had managed to drum up full attendance among our three other climbers.   But only ten minutes in, the hike had already proved exhausting, and although our destination sat as clear as day ahead of us, we were learning it was much further than it looked.  As we moved toward the slope of the Pit we came across three Brits in brightly colored mountain suits heading in the opposite direction.  The two leading the way, who I took to be the client adventurers, were just as colorful as their jackets and if had I met them anywhere else in the world, I would have assumed they’d recently stumbled out of some pub and were enroute to the next watering hole.  When we stopped for a word, it turned into them telling us all about their day and this new route they had found.  The third man however, trailed by a few dozen paces and did not draw attention to himself.   While us Americans talked to the red blooded Englishmen, Samia engaged the quiet one hanging back.  Pretty soon they were hugging each other and although he was not African himself, I could hear them chatting away in Swahili.  When we said our farewells, Samia trotted over to us with a smile spreading wide across his face.

“Wow I can’t believe it,” he said beaming and panting, “That was ‘so-and-so.’  That is really something.  They must have paid good money to get him!”  I couldn't recall the name, but he was, apparently, a mountaineer of some note.  “I asked him about the route, I said, you know that’s one of NOLS’.  That isn’t new.”  He started laughing.  “He knows.  That is what I'm saying when I talk to him in Swahili, so the others couldn't hear.”

It was at this juncture that my mother took advantage in the pause to think over our current endeavor and decided it was not for her and that she would be turning back.  One to never turn down a challenge, she let out a forced laugh and shouted “No thank you!  I’m done for today.”  Diane defected as well.  Peeling off from our group, they took the two porters with them, making a slight detour on the way back to climb on one of the malnourished glaciers near camp.  Clay, Samia, and I continued.  

Those five hundred meters up the loose slopes of the Ash Pit were the hardest of day.  The ash fell away beneath my feet as I tried to push against it, like grains of sand slipping out of a closed fist.  But the effort was worth it, for when we made it to the top, we looked down into the eye of the Kilimanjaro.  Despite sharp winds whipping across the summit, the smell of sulfur clung to air leaving no doubt that life boiled within the mountain.  On the far side of the pit, the Northern Ice Field, the mountain’s largest glacier, layered like a wedding cake, glittered in the sharp Sun.  This was the apex of my trip, the real summit.  There was no sign and no one else to be seen.   Nor people taking selfies nor cameras other than the one I had in my pocket.  We stayed there a moment.  I looked out across the wind-burnt ash to where a ring of white clouds surrounded the mountain like a halo.  There were no leaves to rustle in the breeze, there was no life, there was no shelter from the elements.  It was cold and sterile and utterly without comfort.  The heavens are not meant for the living.

After a few minutes the weather looked to change, and we were far from camp.  We galloped down the slopes of the Pit, lunging into each step so that we slid downhill off the ashen mound.  The trip back was brief compared to the trip up, and on our way we explored a shrinking block of ice, the Furtwangler Glacier.  I wanted to see the snows of Kilimanjaro before they were gone, but sadly they already are, and the ice that remains is in full retreat.  They say in twenty years, the Furtwangler will be gone, and the Arrow Glacier as well.  Walking along its edge, I traced my hand along its white wall, my fingers dipping into each bump and smooth hole chiseled away by years of wind and warmer temperature.  It made me sad thinking about how the mountain would look without them, and how much of its majesty might be lost.

Exhausted and invigorated we lumbered back to camp.  Our arrival coincided with that of the other half of our climbing group, and as we approached we could see their outlines struggling to finish the final steps, but before we could say hello, they had collapsed onto their tents.  The Breach had taken it’s toll.  We donated what sugar gels, stroopwafels, any energy-rich food we could spare.

Our dinner was early and not well attended.  Two of our seven climbers were too sick to join us in the dining tent.  The jubilant vibe we shared during lunch had turned somber as we learned details of the others’ day on the Breach.  Whether an informed opinion or not, I was worried that they wouldn’t last the night.  Samia and Mhenia know best.  They must see this all the time, I thought.  But even if there was something wrong, they never would have said.  Once the eating was done, we did not linger to talk.  The cold was coming, and even though the Sun was still above the horizon when we fled into our tents.  I wanted to be hunkered down before it arrived in force.  Before I zipped up the tent flap, the cooks arrived with bottles filled with boiling water to stuff into our sleeping bags to keep warm into the night.  Shivering, I kept my jacket zipped tight, and maneuvered into my bag contemplating whether or not to wear it to bed.  I’ll just get a little warm, I told myself, but before I could I was asleep.  I woke only once during the night.  Before I got up, I took in a minute’s worth of deep breaths, snatching what oxygen I could out of the thin air.  Even so, I was winded before I left the tent.  I spent no extra time muddling about in the biting cold, save one good glance across the moonlit summit.  My parka still on from dinner, I quickly returned to my sleeping back, and drifted off.

I rose for good just before the Sun.  The ice that coated the tent, forming during the night, cracked and splintered as I swung open the flap and fell down onto my back as I finessed my way out into the dawn.  The moment I was clear of the entryway, I started a series of incessant movements, like someone waiting in line for the bathroom.  Jumping, squatting, doing anything to get warm, waiting eagerly for the Sun to pierce the horizon.  

Unlike the night before, all the climbers made to breakfast, and at 7AM, after a bowl of gruel, we started climbing the final five hundred feet to the summit.  As we entered the last shadow of Kilimanjaro cast by the summit wall, my toes again went numb, but after less than an hour of heavy breathing we were there.  I told Samia I wanted a picture of him, the champion of Kilimanjaro, posing like Usain Bolt.  However, he called others to join him, and somehow the ostentatious pose of victory deteriorated into what looked more like a dance number from the Spice Girls reunion tour.  I took the picture anyway.  Holding on to the famous sign, my mother and I got our own summit shot, triumphant.  And of course, never one to let a silly moment to escape, I stripped off my hat, wool buff, gloves and sunglasses, and in their place slid into a Lululemon headband.  Less than a month past, I had organized an office gift-exchange, and after all the trades and steals were made I had lost my beloved zen garden and been stuck with this useless accessory.  I sat at the end of the conference table wearing my consolation prize, deciding whether or not the only gift left, a winter hat meant to look like a tiger’s face, was worth stealing.  While deep in deliberation, my coworkers shouted out that I looked identical to Ben Stiller in Zoolander.  I then knew that it was my destiny to bring that headband to the top of Kilimanjaro, and strike a pose of my own.  My mom didn’t get it.  At 19,340, the wind and cold digging into my skin I yelled, “Mom, would you just take the damn picture already!”

But despite the photo-ops and social media gold I now had sitting in my pocket, waiting to be deployed to my various online profiles, what should have been a pure moment of victory and pride was lacking.  Just like I had feared, the summit was not a place of pure elation.  As various assortments of people took pictures with the sign, I looked North, across the crater below, toward the Ash Pit and the Northern Ice Field.  That was why I came to the mountain: I came to see its snows.  A place most climbers only see from a distance, and for only twenty minutes.  But not me.  Because of the route we took and extra nights in the cold, I spent an entire afternoon exploring that magnificent place.  I didn’t climb the mountain to prove I could do it or to have a photo-op, I wanted to walk in the House of God, spend a night in the heavens, and have a proper challenge to make the moment that much sweeter.  Standing in front of that sign felt like a cliche; heaving my way up walls of stone, and looking over the lip of the great Ash Pit was anything but.  As far as I’m concerned, the day I summited Mount Kilimanjaro, was the day I climbed the Western Breach.

 

My favorite shot

My favorite shot

Blood Sacrifice

Blood Sacrifice

“Why do you want to kill something?” my friend asked.  

“I don’t want to,” I said, “that’s the point.”

The comments I get before I go on an adventure are what you’d expect: most people say “that’s so exciting” or “very cool,” and the conversation quickly turns and moves onto another topic.  Sometimes you get a kindred spirit that’s interested in the journey, and soon you’re swapping stories and sharing mutual admiration.  But when I told my city friends I was going hunting, questions turned into interrogations, and the people who gave me the usual cocktail-party formalities now had plenty to say.  

For me, it was Penance: my act of contrition.  My whole life, at least two times a day, I’d eaten meat.  I feasted on the spoils, but not once had I exacted the price, nor given as much as a second thought to the fact that until quite recently, the centerpiece on my plate had a pulse.  We’re insulated from all that.  I let someone else do the dirty work; somewhere a thousand miles away a life ended, while a few days later I sat and ate, blissful and ignorant.  I didn’t hear the screams, I didn’t see the blood, I didn’t feel guilt.  The way I saw it was simple: if I couldn’t stomach the killing, I had no right to the meat.  I live in and work in the city and the idea of hunting or growing everything I eat is impossible.  During my interrogations, that point was mentioned often.  Obviously.  But that wasn’t the point, I wasn’t thinking about turning into a subsistence farmer: I was thinking about doing it myself for once.  One time, to see the true price of blood—to see a life slip away—to gut and skin and butcher something that I had just seen walking, breathing, until I decided I fancied some meat.  A sacrifice the modern world has forgotten.

I’d never shot a gun before.  But when I shot Tim’s deer guns—weeks before I put on a camo jacket for the first time—that’s when it began to sink in.  And you don’t understand the power of a gun until you use a scope.  There’s the noise, a blast that shatters the calm leaves your ears ringing; the stock slams into your shoulder; a shock wave pushes its way through your chest.  But when I used a scope, that’s when I understood.  Looking into its tunnel vision the world is slowed, magnified, still.  You scrutinize your breathing, your target.  Each subtle movement swings the crosshairs wildly over your where you meant them to be—motions that until now, you were unaware of.  All you see is a circle: a fragment of spacetime surrounded in a black void.  That is all you know.  In some other world, you're holding a gun, but in this world, there is only stillness.  Then the world breaks.  An explosion splits the air and pulses through your chest, the stock slams into your shoulder—but you hardly notice.  Sight is the most important sense; we use it to navigate, to ground us, and we rely on it more than the other four combined.  I saw only calm.  I knew where I was.  But when I pulled the trigger, the stillness shattered into chaos.  In a violent thrust, the barrel flew up and smashed my careful focus to pieces.  Everything I could see flew by and when the gun fell back down and I found my target again, I knew after something like that, the world could never be the same.  Then I understood: guns are made for killing.

When we arrived at target practice, Tim pulled out what looked like a small portable radio, his new caller, from the back of his pick-up.  He flicked it on and filed through the settings until he came to the one he wanted, “hare in distress”.  “There’s a fox around here, he’ll come running to check it out.  Point that way,” Tim said.  I raised the gun and pointed at the clearing, hoping nothing would show.  It didn’t.  After a few minutes, I lifted the gun, and we about setting up the target.  But standing there, waiting for the fox, as clear as day I felt doubt leaching into my mind, and I wondered if I wanted to kill a living thing.  I sent bullet after bullet into the wooden target.  Before, killing had been an abstract thought, but now, I was holding a gun and it was real.  It was only a fox, I said to myself, I came to hunt deer, and when I see one, I’ll have no problem doing what needs to be done.

My brother-in-law is the only person I know who hunts, and whether he wanted my company or not, I forced it upon him.  Tim was just the person I wanted to go with.  Each adventure I take has been chosen for a reason.  I get inspiration, I research, I mull it over, and then I plan.  I’m always there for a reason, and getting the full experience is mandatory—no corners cut.  And with hunting, I wanted to learn, not just kill.  Tim loves the sport because of the deer themselves.  After shooting that day, we walked around his sister’s property.  It was only a twenty-minute drive from his house, and he visits it during the week to hunt after work.  Often when he’s there, sitting in the cold, he doesn’t take the shot.  He looks on as they pass by, his gun at the ready, only watching.  He loves the sport, not for the trophy, but the deer themselves.  He told me as much.  But he didn’t need to, as we walked into the brush, and he showed me game trails and scrapes in the dirt where the deer had scratched away the leaves, I couldn’t miss the excitement in his voice.  He taught me about the rut and game trails, how to spot a bedding area, how to know a fresh scrape, and tell how big the buck was that raked his antlers against a tree.  He described how they behaved, their daily patterns, how to approach from downwind.  He taught me how to hunt them.  I chose deer for a reason, to kill something big.  Something my size, something I could not write off as beneath me: a creature that could look me in the eye.  

I had to take the New York State hunter ed course, which for someone living in New York City, as you can imagine, was difficult to find and difficult to get to.   Despite the high demand for hunting licenses in Brooklyn and Manhattan and the high concentration of hunting clubs, few courses were offered in the city.  But I wanted to do this.  And three weeks before Thanksgiving, I swung through Rochester on my way back to the big city to go shooting with Tim.  My mother wasn’t happy that her son giving up his holiday weekend home to go hunting instead of spending it with the family.  But she didn’t have a choice.  This was something I had to do.

After Thanksgiving dinner and the board games that followed, Tim picked me up from my parents’ house and we drove an hour south of Rochester to his camp, a three-way land partnership he’d inherited.  We arrived late, in the pitch dark, and after unlocking the entrance gate, headed down a long dirt road covered in fog, crowded by trees on either side.  The lot was sandwiched by two different state forests, and that narrow strip was all that connected it outside world. At the end of the driveway the woods broke apart and the camp appeared.  It was situated on a hill looking down into the valleys of western New York, but with the November clouds blocking the moon, I could only see as far as the truck’s flood lights headlights could shine.  There were two buildings and several tired looking trailers stationed about the property.  One of the two structures had been built by a deceased friend of Tim’s father.  Over the years piece-by-piece, he assembled a hunting cabin, and after his sudden death, it passed to Tim.  Once out of the car, he fumbled with a lighter, igniting the propane lamps.  There was no electricity.  For water we went to a shack at the edge of the trees, and began the thirty-minute process to bring well water into the house.  For heat we relied on a wood-burning stove made of cast iron.  There were warm beds, food, and water; everything we needed and nothing more.  For meals I cooked on a bulky gas range from the 20’s that had two settings, very hot and burn; it was more antique than functional stove.  For two days we lived off eggs and chili and instant coffee.

The first day was quiet.  We went out into the dull light before dawn, and stayed until it was sucked back over the western hills.  We sat in the cold; together in the morning, then in the afternoon, Tim took a different spot.  He caught a glimpse of a spike, one that was well out of range.  I had no such sighting to report.  The next morning we rose again at 5AM.  When I couldn’t take anymore of the instant coffee, I slipped into my wool long sleeve, covering it with an identical shirt, but in a different color.  Over those, my heaviest wool sweater—I did not think to wear it the first day, and I paid the price—one pair of long underwear, insulated athletic pants, and camo trousers left over from my paintball days in middle school.  I zipped into my PrimaLoft jacket that I used for everything: skiing, hiking, commuting to the office…and now, hunting.  My final layer was a borrowed jacket, two sizes too big, emblazoned with orange camo and knee high plastic hunting boots.  Twice my normal width, I walked passed the iron stove and out into the predawn darkness.

If Thanksgiving in Rochester were born a person, it would, at the earliest age possible, have been diagnosed with manic depression.  One year, it was sixty-five degrees with all the earmarks of a gorgeous September day.  The year after, I sat inside watching the snow hurl at the earth, so dense, I couldn’t see the huge oak only thirty feet away.  And this year, there was a blizzard the Sunday before that left snow up to the knees, but by Thursday, its white cloak had been frayed away by the rains, and the ground was left soggy and bare.  Until today, when I stepped outside to find the landscape gilded white.  The temperature was just above freezing and the snow fell in clumps and if you closed your eyes you would have gambled your life’s savings away on the certainty of rain, banging against dead leaves.  

The world is closer up there, especially in the woods.  Dense trees block the horizon.  Leaves that made the upstate hills and valleys burn orange and crimson and gold have flamed out.  In November, the last survivors cling to soaked branches.  Embers of a dying fire.  The rest are lifeless, a carpet of rot covered in mud: the smell of Thanksgiving in Rochester.  All the while, the grey sky pressed down on the world.

I sat with a rifle.  Watching.  Waiting.  Thinking.  Alone, and silent as the grave.  It was damp, November in upstate always is, and there’s nothing more ferocious than a damp cold.  The first hour, I hardly noticed, with all my layers to protect me, but as I sat there, still and silent, the cold pushed past each layer; it sunk down to my skin, seeped through muscle, and finally dug itself into my bones.  As time dragged on, the chill consumed me.  Silent and still, gun resting in my lap, on my lap, or leaning up an arm’s length away, I waited.  I thought about the fox I didn’t want to kill, and I thought about the deer I hadn’t yet seen.  I thought about what would happen if one, in that instant, came looping out of the woods, how I would draw my gun, and what would I do if it was a doe.  Thankfully, I couldn’t shoot a doe here.  We didn’t have the permit for this zone of New York, and I was much more certain I could pull the trigger on a buck.  Over and over, I’d try to imagine the deer walking out, and what I would do.  Do I really want to kill?  I sat there, thinking in the cold, listen to the snowfall, trying to pretend I was warm and wanted to shot a deer.

But none came.  After another fruitless morning, we left our stands to walk in the woods.  For the first time in two days, I wasn’t cold.  But the weight of the rifle gnawed at my strength.  Each minute I shifted the weapon—to my shoulder, or ready in both hands, or slung across my back.  The most comfortable poses were also the least useful.  By the end of the trudging through the woods, I had nothing to show for it, only the sight of two does bounding through the trees with stunning grace.  They floated over fallen pines, moved so quietly, so fast.  Each step was true and perfect.  They were made for the woods.  I raised my gun, but as I did, I saw neither was a buck and instead of shooting, I watched them dance into the trees.  I was relieved.  Luckily, there was no decision to make.  I had reservations about shooting a full-grown buck, but had I resolved to do it.  I would not kill a doe with a baby, that was certain, but between these two extremes was where I languished: if it were a doe or a young buck, I still didn’t know what I wanted to do.    

After two days of seeing no bucks, we switched spots and guns.  Our eyes on the clock, we headed back to Tim’s sister’s house trying to catch the last of the daylight.  He knew this spot better than he knew his own camp and he’d kept this spot as a backup plan—I’d get another chance at a deer.  But this property was in a different zone, and now we had the permits to shoot deer without antlers: does and young bucks were fair game.  I was out of convenient excuses.  Here, I’d have to make a choice.

The trees were too close, and a rifle would not do.  Tim pulled a 12-gauge shotgun mounted with a scope out of the back seat of his and handed it to me.  It was his first gun: the most powerful I’d shot, the one that made me hesitate the most, and I’d only pulled the trigger three times.  It weighed twice as much as the rifle, and carrying it, my arms were tired before the first minute was up.  As we walked past the ground where I’d waited for the fox, and where the target had been set up, he told me about a button buck he’d seen here.  His mom had kicked him out now that mating season had begun.  He was young, not even old enough for antlers; not some old crusty fellow, ill-tempered and bitter, one that might grunt at the young deer as they came into his woods.  As I marched up the hill, carrying a gun I’d barely shot, I tried to convince myself I wanted to kill this animal.  A sense of dread bubbled up inside me.  I failed, but with each step I moved further into the trees.  With dusk at hand, I told myself, this is my last chance.  

We climbed into a tree stand big enough for the both of us, one-by-one, guns unloaded: bullets do not discriminate between people and game.  At the top I loaded my weapon, too heavy to hold, and leaned it against the sideboards.  Tim began blowing into the deer call, grunting into the cold air.  We waited.  Hunting is quiet business.  The sounds came from the wind and swarms of starlings twisting into odd shapes above our heads.  They moved like shadows and their ominous calls chattered through the naked forest.  They reminded me of Death.

Movement in the woods.  I went for the shotgun.  I stood still.  There was a deer down the hill, protected by cover, whose form melted back into the brush as quickly as it had appeared.  It’s time, I thought, what is your answer?  We waited.  Nothing.  After a few minutes, fatigue clawed at my arms and I was forced to return the heavy gun to rest.  Tim called again.  When he did, without hesitation the young buck bounded out of the woods.  Curiosity had gotten the better of him.  I grabbed for the gun, again.  He was sniffing at the air, looking around.  Blocked by branches, he started walking towards my line of fire.  I followed him through the trees and as he drew near, placed my crosshairs five feet ahead, at the start of a clearing: a clean shot.  Do I really want to kill this deer? I asked myself.  One who hadn’t seen his first winter?  His curiosity was endearing.  My whole life I’d gathered so much joy from watching animals, observing their behavior, wanting to be their friend.  When I was three I started watching documentaries about them, and even now a quarter century later, I’ll spend hours on the internet researching, daydreaming about the interesting species of pets I’ll have when I leave New York City.  Pigs, bears, and kangaroos, they’ve all been on my list.  One day my co-worker mentioned that she thought otters were cute and I launched into a ten minute monologue about their needs and behaviors and why they make difficult pets.  But now I had a shotgun, and I was looking through a scope.

I saw him hesitate, saw him think.  Before the clearing he paused and smelled the air.  He knows.  Then a weight poured over me and the excitement vanished; I realized what I must do.  I heard Tim whispering.  I didn’t know what he was saying, but I felt the pressure to act.  Two days of sitting and here was a deer, I had to shoot.  But do I want to?  He started moving out of the trees.  More whispering.  I’m committed, now.  I had asked for this; I dragged my brother-in-law out into the woods, taken a hunter’s education course, and traded my Thanksgiving weekend for the cold.  We were here because of me.  Yet, I didn’t know if wanted to pull the trigger.  Not this deer.  Do it.  I don’t want to.  Do it, now.  I had sat silent for two days, alone with my thoughts.  And now, I had no time to think, and the young deer trotted into my crosshairs.

I climbed down the aluminum ladder, and out of tree stand.  My feet sinking into soggy earth, I pumped out the empty shell, and a new one slipped into the action.  Even reloading was abrasive; a heavy clang, metal-on-metal, sliced through the trees; the spent casing sprang into the air, landing several feet away.  In a final and desperate act, the deer had run downhill—past our line of sight—with last of its strength and on borrowed time.  Doubtless when its shattered heart and lungs were needed again, there would be nothing left but to collapse into death.  We walked down the ridge, through the trees and bushes, following dark mud, the place where hooves had hit the ground in panic.  Bending over looking for traces of blood, I wondered how he felt.  Does he know he’s dying?  I tried to remember when it happened, but it happened so fast.  I searched my feelings, but with all the guilt and excitement and dread swirling about, I was overwhelmed.  I didn’t know how I felt.  Instead, I thought about Death, and how it must feel like late November.

 

...

 

Darkness crept into the trees.  Across the cornfield, picked bare by man and deer and crow, gun smoke drifted towards the setting sun.  Black clouds of starlings whirled against the grey sky, their jeers piercing the cold.  The sound of late November.  When I looked up to see them, where the trees had been, black spears stabbed at the belly of the clouds, glowing faint with the last of a dying light.  My lungs filled with freeze, and with each breath, a chill burrowed deeper into my bones.  The smell of rotting leaves choked the damp air as my body bled into their decay.  I saw a dark shape gliding through the trees.  I heard the beat of silent steps draw near.  Bleak skies pressed down; the world began to shrink.  And the wood faded into starless night.

Take It Easy

Take It Easy

San Fransisco -> Salt Lake

5 National Parks